Recently, I heard a message by former Village pastor Paul Matthies on Gluttony that helped me connect more dots on this topic. On my regular blog, Erin Cooked Rare, I wrote a post about my life of excess. For me, food has not been the only excess in my life - over-spending, buying new and more things, and having more than I would ever need - have all been evidence of extreme indulgence, covering over anger, resentment, and loneliness. What Paul's messaged helped me with, though, was the practical part of dealing with the overindulgence.
If you know me personally, you know that I am pretty black and white, but I could never be extremely legalistic because I have poor follow-through. Legalism is all about follow-through and how good you are at following rules. Despite early efforts as a child and still some as an adult, I suck at following so many rules. I HATE rules sometimes. Maybe it's because I had a big personality in my face growing up (we Latinos are usually dominant people), or maybe it was because I thought I could find multiple ways to do one thing, but for as long as I can remember, there is a rebellious streak in me that has hated certain rules.
Rules were always presented as adversarial - they weren't ever painted as good or helpful, but rather fraught with strife and full of angry warning. Rules were, seemingly, perhaps without intention, presented angrily with a knowledge that, of course, I wanted to break them. What's funny is that, I didn't have a desire to break them, but I was resentful of the manner of presentation and the assumption that, somehow, I wanted to fight the rules (to this day, I'm amazed at how the delivery of a message is just as important as the content). Some rules were obviously just a mechanism to prevent inconveniencing someone else in any manner of small ways - others were truly values-based, which I took no issue with. The rules that were the biggest problem for me? Ones that centered around control.
I don't think I realized then, and still struggle to realize now, how the issue of control is SO important for me (which is hilarious to me because I feel so OUT of control). Anything that restricted freedom of choosing and being my own boss created in me a fiery anger and resentment that still, sometimes, simmers under the surface. But because I was so pushed into following any rules, it became the enemy voice inside my head, telling me what I should and shouldn't do, judging my every move. My sense of freedom was stolen, my belief that I could be anything was apprehended, and I believe, it crushed a part of my spirit. Half of me began to belief that if I just followed the rules, any issue would be fixed - "that's my problem, I just can't follow rules because I'm lazy." But I've been having the battle with rules for 28 years now.
Enter the problem with my weight. Despite my internalized belief that I've been overweight "all my life", I really haven't. In middle school, the problem started to escalate. Maybe I didn't feel pretty enough as a little girl, maybe this or that emotional issue, but starting then, I started to let it get out of hand without quite understanding the whole problem itself. And the rule monster started to come at me - if I could only eat these foods - or if one of my family members could dictate to me (read: control) what I'd eat, I'd be fine (WORST IDEA EVER : LET A FOOD LEGALIST "HELP" YOU). But what the food legalist and I, the sometimes wannabe food legalist and the most other times rebel, were missing is that legalism was not even touching the heart of the problem (pun intended). Something was wrong deep down - very wrong. However, we were content to call it "lazy" and try to medicate a symptom with control.
Somehow, despite wrestling other rules to the ground and overcoming the overbearing rulehood I was reared up in, I've still carried with me that "you shouldn't eat this and you should eat this." Or, somewhere in there God's angry at me for having a Crunch bar. I just could not shake this "should"-itis from my mind and body. Paul's message really spoke to me, in a freeing way, to enjoy food - really enjoy it, without the constant food legalist in my head saying "no wonder you're this way - when will you eat healthy all the time and never touch processed wheat or sugar again." And in my adulthood, I've wondered, could I get to a point where I'd never drink CocaCola again? (I live in GA just outside of Atlanta - that's probably an actual sin in the Bible Belt). God never told me He hates Coke - or in a story related by Beth Moore, that he doesn't like pecan pie. But so much around me has been echoing the "should-er" in my head that it's hard to find Jesus in all those rules. What Paul said removed the pressure from me to constantly follow a rule to fix a long-running and deep-seated issue. While I've known as a Christian for a long time that our behaviors are a reflection of our heart, for whatever reason, I could not apply it here because I bought into the lie that I just needed to adjust to some behavioral changes and that I've been unwilling because it's "hard." While that could certainly be part of it, it was most certainly not all of it. In addition, Paul's words help me to see that I can sit down at a meal without the constant inner scrutiny going on, making me a nutcase. I'm all about not being a nutcase.
This all being said, it's only the beginning. I have many successes and failures to go, but the freedom I've experienced in the last few days listening to this message have really enabled me to take a thoughtful, honest, and convicting-without-condemning look at my struggle without slapping some label on my behavior and fighting where no ground can be one. I'm glad that I won't be asking the wrong question now and expecting an answer that will never come. The time is now and the freedom is coming home.
